Garth Marenghi's Darkplace: the Novel
by Concupiscence66
Summary: Darkplace was a masterpiece, so is Darkplace the novel. The story is meant to have graphics, music and links but this website has the short sited temerity to limit Garth's dream so... look it up on Live Journal.
1. The EOeuvre

What you are holding in your hands is history in the making. Well, technically, history has already been made and it has been made by this product that you are holding in your hands. This is the Garth Marenghi Electronic Omnibus Reader. The E-Oeuvre. This is the only Electronic Reader or "E-reader" available with enough memory to hold all of my books. I know what you're thinking, "But Mr. Marenghi," please, you can call me Garth! "But, Garth, you've written two novels since the E-Oeuvre was created. Where can I store those electronic or 'E-books' if my E-Oeuvre is already full?" That's a good question and I am happy to answer it. We'll be rolling out the E-Oeuvre II this spring. That will be a completely empty version of the E-Oeuvre onto which you will be able to download all my future books. And don't worry! The E-Oeuvre III is already in the works!

To celebrate this new technology, I have written an original novel based on my television show, "Darkplace" which was murdered and buried by the studio for nearly two decades. Follow the links and hypertext in the story to discover exciting features such as original music, me whistling the score, scans of the original manuscript and so much more. These features will only be available in this story as it would be bloody hard to go through and do all that for old stories. I do have a life ya know!

Just kidding.

With love and respect,

Garth Marenghi


	2. Garth Marenghi's Introduction

Hello and welcome to Garth Marenghi's Darkplace.

Don't get too comfortable, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

Some of you may have seen my television show, "Garth Marenghi's Darkplace." If you haven't, you can feel free to put this book down and run to your nearest reputable shop and purchase the show on DVD or Blu-ray. If you're older or crippled in some manner, perhaps you can have your grandson order it for you on-line. I suggest . They have a wonderful selection and shipping is free on qualifying orders over $25. You'll have to wait a few days for delivery but if you're homebound, you'll just have to make due. For those of you who are far too keen to read this book to put it down and run to the shop, don't worry. I have taken care to write this book so that it appeals to the avid fan or the newcomer about to become an avid fan. I've tried to write this story so even a simpleton can be terrified and entertained.*

It would be wonderful if we could go back in time and make another series of Darkplace. No doubt if the BBC had shown Darkplace in the 1980's there would have been series after series. The viewing public would have demanded more and more and more. Sadly the BBC lacked the vision and foresight to actually show Darkplace when it was created but rather waited a full two decades until they had run out of wacky sitcoms about old people having sex and were forced to bring Darkplace out of the vaults. In the eighties, the BBC opted to go with re-runs of "Who's the Boss?" rather than Darkplace. Who's the Boss, now, BBC? You might argue that you (the BBC) are the boss because you sign my paychecks. That is a legitimate argument. We'll have to agree to disagree. Regardless, now all the actors are either too old, too fat or too missing and presumed dead to revive their roles.

Fortunately for you and everyone like you, I have the gift of words and through my words I shall resurrect Darkplace and all of its beloved characters from the dead. Understand, this is only a metaphor. I cannot actually resurrect people from the dead, especially not ones who have been missing for years. I wish I could resurrect the dead. You know who I would bring back first? Sir William Shakespeare. I would love to bring the Bard back to life and show him my work so that he would know his legacy lived on. Of course, I'm not comparing myself to Shakespeare! I don't write girly love poems. Things are different now. Back then, men wore powdered wigs and hosiery. It's only natural that the Bard would be a bit of a poof.**

To be clear, I cannot bring the dead back to life in the real world but I can do so in the world of literature. Through my words, I will once again be 35, Todd Rivers will be handsome again and we'll know the whereabouts of Madeline Wool. She'll be right there in the text. Dean Learner will look just the same as he does now because as the saying goes, 'Black don't crack'. You might say that I am like a god when I write. Does it make me God that I can create life and worlds and crush them into dirt on a whim? I wouldn't say that I'm a god, but I could see why you might think that way.

Put some plastic on your couch, your mind is about to be blown and your house (or flat, there are different ways to live) will be splattered with your blood. Everywhere you look, you would see blood.

Blood.

Blood.

Or at least, you would do if your head hadn't just exploded.

From the heart with love,

Garth Marenghi

Publisher's notes from Dean Learner

*This is in no way an endorsement of terrifying the mentally infirm. This is simply a statement implying that if a simpleton should grab this book (perhaps it is left behind on a bus or checked out to a simpleton by an inattentive librarian), said simpleton will be able to grasp the text and intention of the following novel.

**This in no way implies that William Shakespeare or any of his contemporaries were gay only that their style of clothing would appear to be 'gay'*** by today's standards.

***This is in no way intended as a slur against homosexuals. Homosexuals are vibrant and important members of our society. I, myself, am a big fan of "Little Britain" and have always enjoyed Stephen Fry even more than Hugh Laurie. I still listen to "Wham!" I'm not caught up in sexual politics. For me it's all about the quality of the art, not the bedroom (or public washroom) antics**** of the artist.

****This in no way implies that gay sex is full of antics. It can be just as dull and mundane as heterosexual sex.


	3. Todd River's Intro

Hello, there! I'm Todd Rivers. No doubt, you know me best for my work on Darkplace, a 1980's horror filled hospital drama that has only recently been released. As I'm sure you can imagine, working on Darkplace was a wild and exciting period of time in my life. My after hours activities with Dean Learner are legendary! They are also a matter of police record and I prefer not to dwell on the past.

How do I get my kicks these day? Live theater, that's how. As a matter of fact, I'm doing a wonderfully wacky interpretation of "Noises Off!" We all wear cockamamie hats! It's madness. Sure, there are some snobs out there who say dinner theater isn't _real_ theater but I say those people are bonkers. Why can't a man feed his belly and his soul at the same time? He fills his tum-tum with roast beef and his mind with Shakespeare. Not that I'm doing Shakespeare. I don't do poofy***** period pieces.

I'm positively thrilled that Garth has written a Darkplace novel. It's a wonderful treat to be able to revisit the magic, as it were. I don't remember a lot about that time in my life but, based on the photos I've seen, I had a hell of a time. People ask me all the time if I read Garth's novels. The sad truth is, he writes his novels faster than I, or any of his fans, can read them. I did read this book though and it is an absolute corker. He really takes time to explore the characters. We learn so much in the novel. I, for one, had no idea that Lucian Sanchez was Hispanic. I almost wish someone had told me at the time. Perhaps I could have put on an accent.

With Love and Sincerity,

Todd Rivers

Publisher's notes from Dean Learner

***** See ** through ****


	4. Dean Learner's Intro

As a man who appreciates the finer things in life like a good bottle of wine, caviar sandwiches and pornography that has been shot in black and white, I - Dean Learner- know quality. The first time I read the words of Garth Marenghi, and this really happened, I thought to myself, "This man is going to be able to crank out a thousand more novels just like this with almost no effort". I always knew that Garth had a gift for writing. He writes very, very fast. He also types quite fast which is a boon in his industry.

Most people can't handle the demands of writing, directing and staring in a television show but, Garth was more than up to the task. He would have the script written in the morning and half the episode filmed by lunchtime. We had a six week shooting schedule for six episodes and we came in two weeks early and that was after we all took a long weekend on the studio's dime. Those six weeks also include the week Todd Rivers and I spent in mandatory drinks rehab. That reminds me of a story about just how well Garth adapts to a what others might see as a bad situation. While Todd and I were in the drink clink, Garth met one of our counselors, a young padre who wanted to be able to help his flock stay away from the evils of drink. Garth, whilst doing some additional dialogue recording with Todd and I in the rehab center, met the Padre and declared he was looking at a star. Needless to say, that night, Garth had written in the role of the Padre and the next day, the Padre had filmed all of his scenes for the series. Like me, the Padre had never acted outside the occasional manger scene but he was clearly a natural. I think we can all agree that Garth did the comedy world a favor in that the Padre is now a famous comedian who has had a lot of success with his androgynous partner (whose name and gender eludes me at the moment). I imagine the church feels the loss of a priest but, given his activities since becoming famous, I'm not sure he was really cut out for the church. In fact, not three months ago I was back in rehab after a minor misunderstanding - forgive the pun as she apparently was a minor! - I found myself roommates with non other than the Padre himself! How we enjoyed revisiting the memories we were able to cobble together betwixt our wine saturated brains.

Of course, it hasn't all been wine and roses. The missing and presumed dead, Madeline Wool, will always be in our hearts. She was a delicate flower and fame can be a steel toed boot, crushing all in it's path with soulless efficiency. We'll never know if Madeline would have ever had to suffer the rigors of fame as she disappeared years before this, her only television appearance, ever aired. I only wish my last conversation with her hadn't ended up on such a down note. I gently reminded her that getting involved in gambling was going to lead her down a bad path and eventually she would encounter a ruthlessly ambitious man and find herself 'disappeared'. Ironically, that appears to be exactly what happened. Sometimes I like to imagine that she is still alive somewhere, perhaps in a foreign country and she'll be able to return just as soon as she gets the money she owes the man holding her identification papers. Until that day, she's just going to have to try and blend in and speak Arabic.

I have said it before but Garth assures me I can never say it too much, working on Darkplace was a revelation for me. Having never acted before, I assumed I would be working very hard and for long hours. I was pleasantly surprised to learn this was not the case. I didn't even have to memorize the script. I just learned one or two lines at a time; sometimes my second line was still being written as I delivered my first. It was an exciting and visceral experience. The creativity was something I doubt I'll ever experience again in this lifetime or in the next, for that matter.

Welcome back to Darkplace. You've been missed.

With Warmest Regards,

Dean Learner


	5. Chapter 1

It was just a normal day at Darkplace Hospital which means it wasn't normal at all. Abnormal is the norm at Darkplace. Confused? Get used to it.

Dr. Rick Dagless, a strikingly handsome (but not in a girly or pretty boy way) young man strutted down the halls of Darkplace. He thought to himself _Darkplace is a suitable name for this hospital, given the strange and dark things that so often occur here._ What can you expect when you build a hospital upon the opening of the portal to hell? Nothing good, that's for certain.

Darkplace suited Dagless and not just because it was well-lit. Dagless had a darkness inside of him. Everyone he had ever loved had died. Some people say everyone they ever loved has died but actually, they just mean their grandparents and maybe their mum and dad. Guess what? Everyone's grandparents die. Now when a child dies, that is very sad. And when that child was part grasshopper? All the more tragic. The story of how Dagless came to have and lose his grasshopper son is a sorry tale for another time. Perhaps someday that story will be told, but not here. Seriously, don't expect to learn any more about that story than you already have.

xxx

Snuggles licked his little hand and rubbed it over his ears because, that's how rats clean their faces.

But Snuggles was no ordinary rat.

Or was he?

Fluffy, Jingle-Bells and Blinky were happily eating their bits of lettuce, not a thought in their furry little heads. Not one of them was over a year old. What did they know of death?

Snuggles was nearly five. He'd seen the world from his metal cage. He'd lost more friends than Blinky'd had hot meals.

But then, rats generally don't eat hot meals.

Snuggles didn't know why he alone had survived of his litter of seven. He could not comprehend why he still lived when so many of his companions had died. Was he special? Was he indeed meant for greatness?

_"Probably,"_ he thought to himself.

Snuggles watched the humans in their lab coats as they scuttled about the room. The humans were always about: giving them food and water, cleaning their cages, injecting them with long needles, shaving their fur and covering them with cologne. Snuggles had never minded the humans. There had been one or two who had sprayed him in the eye with perfume but for the most part, they seemed decent folk. One human had forced them all to watch really violent television but the program turned out to be quite entertaining and had a moral that justified the violence so, in fact, the rats not only didn't become violent as a result of watching the violent program, they actually became better rats in the moral sense.

No, Snuggles didn't mind the humans but he didn't care for them either. He was a rat, first and foremost and his loyalty was to his people.

And his people were rats.

xxx

Dr. Liz Asher nibbled a humble salad, casting an envious eye towards Dagless' double cheeseburger. The handsome young doctor could eat anything he liked and still be very attractive in a manly way.

Liz often found it difficult to balance the twin responsibilities of watching her figure _and _being a doctor at Darkplace Hospital but she persevered. She couldn't bear to let Dagless down, not when he gave his whole life to the hospital. It was almost as though he loved helping people _too_ much.

"That was some case we had last night, Liz," astutely observed Dagless, "It's not often we get a case of a person with multiple personalities and some of them are suffering from amnesia."

"I think that case had all our heads spinning," Liz laughed luxuriously.

"Metaphorically, yes," Dagless clarified, "If any of our heads had actually been spinning, it would have been an even more complicated situation than it already was and it was already pretty damned complicated".

What Liz didn't know was that two of the woman's personalities were in love with Dagless but he only loved one of them in return.

It was just another day at Dark Place.

Just then, Lucian Sanchez came swaggering into the hospital dining room. He could be a bit of a hotshot with his fiery Latin blood and sometime he and Dagless butted heads but mostly they were buddies.

"Hey there, Buddy," Sanchez called as he approached their table, "Hey there, Liz. You're looking thin today. Are you losing weight?"

Sanchez was quite the ladies' man, he knew just what to say to make a woman lose her wits, even one who was smart enough to be a doctor.

Liz blushed and played with her salad, "Oh, Dr. Sanchez. You know just what to say to a girl. Sit down with us and eat. I'm sure you've been on your feet more than enough already today. We doctors certainly do need to work hard."

"You speak the truth, Liz," Sanchez agreed before turning to Dagless and saying, "Out of the mouths of babes, eh, Dag?"

Sanchez often called Dr. Rick Dagless, Dag. It was part of his devil-may-care personality.

"Let's hope we can have one quiet day in this hospital with no major disasters," Dagless mused, his dark eyes flashing with intelligence, "We could all use a break for once."

"You're not kidding," Liz eagerly agreed, "I'm up to a pot of coffee a day."

"You'd better watch it, Liz," warned Sanchez, "Your teeth will turn yellow and you won't be able to get a boyfriend."

Liz gasped and covered her mouth, worried about the caffeine stains on her teeth when she realized Dagless was laughing. The boys were having a laugh again. They were brilliant doctors but the were still laddish in their free time.

"It isn't nice to tease, Dr. Sanchez," scolded Liz. Dagless watched his colleagues bicker with a fond smile. He was far more complicated than his peers, despite his relative youth, because of all the pain he'd suffered in his life. His eyes held the pain of the years but his face remained youthful and generally unlined.

"Oh, Liz, you know I only tease you because I love you," Sanchez responded in a voice so creamy you could put it in your coffee, "In a purely professional manner, of course."

"Of course," Liz agreed though her expression indicated she would have preferred Sanchez weren't joking. Although she was an educated doctor and nearly a woman, Dr. Liz Asher could be a huge girl. She had crushes on Dagless and Sanchez. Mainly, she loved Dagless but sometimes, when Dagless had more interesting female prospects, Liz would turn her full attention to Sanchez. Peoples' feelings often fluctuate over time and it does not make her character 'inconsistent' if she fancies different men from time to time.

"Come to think of it, I haven't seen much of you these past six months, Sanchez," Dagless adroitly observed, "Where have you been, buddy?"

"Excellent question," Sanchez acknowledged.

"I wish I'd thought to ask that question," Liz whispered to herself.

"Like I said, excellent question, Dag," observed Sanchez, "I've been working in the lab with the rats. I'm studying a new drug I've created to cure diabetes and I need to use rat subjects."

"Do the rats in the lab have diabetes?" asked Liz as she patted her golden curls.

"They do now," explained Sanchez.

"I assume you have yet to cure diabetes, Sanchez," observed Dagless, always ready to tease the handsome Latino, "If you had done something that impressive, you would surely have told us about it already, if only to impress any nearby women."

"Oh, Dag, you know me too well! No. I have not yet cured diabetes but I believe the day will come when diabetes will be a thing of the past. We'll all be able to live entirely on Mars bars and wine gums with no ill effect," spoke Sanchez with a passion that made his words all the more compelling. Words that reflected not just the thoughts and dreams of Sanchez but, in fact, of many other people as well.

"So, I guess there'll be no Mars bars for your rats, then," quipped Liz.

"Don't be silly, Liz," corrected Dagless, "No one feeds Mars bars to rats. It would be

terrible for their digestion."

Liz tried and failed to hold back her tears. Dagless and Sanchez shared a warm smile over the head of their silly girl of a colleague.


	6. Chapter 2

Sanchez tossed his shiny hair like an especially virile pony. By all his calculations, his diabetes medicine should work! Diabetegone should work!

"Damn your furry heads," cried Sanchez, "Why won't your diabetes go away?"

He worried that he would be spending the rest of his life in the shadow of Dagless. No matter how good a doctor he was, he could never compare to Dagless who was not only a brilliant doctor, he was also completely devoted to the hospital. Dagless treated the hospital like his wife; he wasn't always faithful but he always came back. He had a legal obligation, sure, but he also liked to be buried deep inside her on a regular basis.

Sanchez squatted down to look one especially intelligent looking rat in the eye.

"Tell me what's going on?" Sanchez cried in frustration, "Why aren't you rats co-operating? Are you intentionally rebelling against humans as part of a rat movement to take over the world? Of course not, what a silly idea. As if rats could rule the world. How would they use our desks and telephones? They're far too small and they don't speak."

One of the rats squeaked in a manner that nearly sounded like, "Oh, really?"

If Sanchez had been a paranoid man, he might have thought the rat was actually offering a verbal response to his inquiry. But Sanchez was not a paranoid man. In fact, as a doctor, he rarely ever asked questions. He just gave answers.

xxx

Thorton Reed looked out his window and shook his head in frustration. It wasn't easy to run Darkplace. Reed was often put into a position where he had to make decisions between what made sense for the hospital budget versus keeping the portal to hell beneath Darkplace from opening further and swallowing the country whole. It was not an enviable position in which to be in. Having to choose between fiscal concerns and protecting the entirety of human kind from un-mitigated evil could be a burden.

Considering the stress and difficulty of his job, you would expect Thorton Reed to look older than his fifty-four years and, yet, Reed actually appeared to be in his thirties. It was strange but some people just have good genes.

Reed picked up his phone and yelled for, "Dagless and Sanchez, ASAP and that doesn't stand for As soon as Dagless and Sanchez feel like showing up. That would be ASADASFLSU."

Dagless and Sanchez didn't come running like a couple of lapdogs, they were busy men, but they came within a reasonable time period. They came as quickly as one could expect from busy doctors who liked and respected their boss even if he could be a hardass sometimes.

Reed stood at his desk and watched Dagless and Sanchez arrive. As usual, Dagless wore a cloak of mystery and sadness about him. While Sanchez may have been the more traditionally handsome man, most peoples' eyes were actually drawn to Dagless.

"Gentlemen, I'm glad you could join me. Finally. Took you long enough. I should say," Reed said sarcastically but without too much of an edge. He already knew Dagless and Sanchez had probably been doing something very important.

"Sorry, Chief," said Sanchez with a toss of his silken locks, "We had rather a ... tough customer on three, wouldn't you say so, Dagless?"

"If you call a woman who stabbed up the cashier at Tesco's over an expired coupon a tough customer then, yeah, that is exactly what we had," Dagless said, dryly because the woman was in fact a very tough customer, "She took out three orderlies before Sanchez and I were able to sedate her."

"That does sound like a tough customer but never mind that. I've got bigger fish to fry. The board is on me to cut my budget by 25% and I don't know where I'm supposed to find this money. I should pull it out of my hat, I suppose that's what the board thinks I can do. Never mind that, I'm sure we'll revisit this topic later but we've got an emergency on four in the nursery."

"Why would you call us?" asked Sanchez in a borderline cheeky tone, "We're not OBGYNs!"

"Or pediatricians," Dagless couldn't help but add, "I may know a lot about children - I was a father, after all - but we are not specialists dealing in babies."

"No, but you are the two best damn doctors in this damn hospital. We've got a baby aging at a tremendous speed down in the nursery. He was just born at 3pm and by dinner time, he was using a urinal. He'll be shaving come midnight and trying to collect a pension by the weekend. I need the two of you to nip this in the bud and quick!" Reed yelled, slamming his fist on the desk.

Sanchez and Dagless exchanged a knowing look.

"Here we go again, Dag," Sanchez observed, accurately.

"Looks like," agreed Dagless, "But we wouldn't have it any other way."

xxx

Snuggles sipped at the sugar water. His "Die-a-beat-hes" left him thirsty and craving sweets. The handsome Latino man kept giving them shots but the "Die-a-beat-hes" continued.

Or perhaps it continued _because_ of the shots given them by the handsome, fiery doctor.

Snuggles had always believed the giant, nearly hairless monsters that shaved him and his brethren before pumping them full of drugs that sometimes lead to their deaths were kind-hearted and mostly harmless. Lately, he'd been having his doubts. Maybe the humans were not to be trusted.

Maybe it was time to stop letting the humans inject them with "Dizz-ease-ez".

Maybe it was time to fight back.

Snuggles watched Jingle-Bell as she sucked desperately at the sugar water. Snuggles instinctively sensed that the sugar water was compounding their problems. It all had something to do with the "Die-a-beat-hes". Jingle-Bells was a shadow of her former self. She was skeletal and going blind in one eye. She'd always been such a beauty. Not any more. No, she wasn't beautiful any more.

xxx

Liz spent the afternoon in the lab with Dagless and Sanchez, working on a cure for rapid aging in babies. Liz was not as brilliant as her colleagues but she was a quick typist and made the best coffee in the hospital. She was happy to be there, typing away and pouring coffee into the wee hours, only stopping once an hour to reapply her make-up. She was a doctor but she was also a woman.

A single and fertile woman. She had decided to spend her prime years in medical school so now she had to worry about landing a husband before she became a spinster. It was lucky for her that she was spending so much time in the company of single and handsome men but it was unlucky that both men were so focused on being doctors that they had little time left for dating. They went out with girls, of course, they were men with needs - but they weren't looking to settle down. Dagless had already settled down and, as has been discussed, it all ended in tragedy. He had had his heart broken and it wasn't easy to fix a broken heart.

Even if you were a heart surgeon.

Sanchez had only experienced true love once and that was a woman who was slowly turning into broccoli. He had more than his heart broken by that affair, he'd had his willy taken off as well. Luckily, not two days after the tragic incident, a young and male organ donor had come into their hospital on the brink of death. He had been well smashed up in a car accident because he was drinking and driving. He died and his penis was cut off and attached to Sanchez but, in a way, it was lucky for the man. He was dead and his body was mutilated but it was all because he was drinking and driving and it could have ended much worse like if he'd swerved and hit a bus full of kiddies and nuns. He was lucky that only his life was destroyed by his selfish act and he was lucky that part of him, his John Thomas, lived on without him. He had found a touch of immortality in the pants of Lucien Sanchez.

It made Liz flush to contemplate the contents of any man's pants, being that she was a virgin, but she was also a medical doctor and had an intellectual curiosity. She was intrigued by the idea of a donor penis. She wondered if it worked properly and could still create babies.

She also wondered if it could fill her with the pleasure and excitement that could only be experienced through sexual intercourse with a man. Liz didn't have to be 'experienced' to know there was one true pleasure for a young woman (other than having babies) and that was being brought to orgasm by the thrusting hips of the man she loved.

"Liz, do you need a glass of cold water?" Sanchez asked as he surveyed her pink cheeks, "You've gone all red. You aren't having naughty thoughts, are you?"

Dagless and Sanchez laughed uproariously, slapping one another on the back at the joke while Liz turned a deeper shade of red.

"Really, this is a place of work and I don't expect to hear such topics discussed. Especially not by my co-workers who are supposed to be medical professionals and doctors to boot! It's not like you're a psychiatrist who is supposed to be fiddling around with peoples' thoughts..."

Dagless and Sanchez exchanged glances.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, buddy?" Sanchez asked Dagless.

"Yes, my friend, only I thought of it slightly before you. What can stop a boy from ever growing into a man?"

"Their mothers?" Liz offered, helpfully.

"That isn't funny," Sanchez snapped, his Latin blood boiling, "My mother is a saint!"

"The answer is simple. Cartoons."

It was Dagless that said that.


	7. Chapter 3

With the use of cartoons and several anti-growth injections, Dagless and Sanchez were once again able to save the day for everyone. The day old infant was nearly five foot and his formula had to be supplemented with some ground up shepard's pie but he was no longer growing.

The mother had been so full of gratitude, she'd gazed up at Dagless promising her eternal gratitude and offering to 'repay' him in anyway possible. Dagless did not take her up on her offer, he felt too sorry for her poor, inadequate husband who had only been able to stand and watch his wife throw himself at another guy. Dagless had never been treated so disrespectfully by a woman but he instinctively knew the crushing agony that would come from such emasculating behavior. A wife (or girlfriend) throwing herself at another man while her husband (or long term boyfriend) watched was reprehensible and Dagless wanted nothing to do with a woman with so little virtue and tact. Clearly, she was a bit of a bitch*.

It was just another day (and night) at Darkplace Hospital. Insanity with a side of unexpectedness and terror for afters.

Author's notes

* The author would like to make it clear that this story is a piece of fiction and not based on any particular person and if someone thinks the story is about her, well, she probably has a guilty conscience and is projecting her well-earned self-loathing on a fictional character.

xxx

The Padre's dreams were rarely troubled. He was a man of the cloth, and he lived a nearly blameless life. He used bad language on occasion and had gotten involved in some unholy deal with a missing link that nearly ended humanity but - overall - he was a Padre and slept the sleep of the pure at heart.

This was not a night like all the others. It never was at Darkplace.

The Padre tossed and turned as he dreamt of rats.

At first, he thought they were mice but as the dream continued, he noticed the 'mice' had creepy pink tails and - when they were stood next to something - the scale ratio made it clear that they were, in fact, big and horrible rats rather than cute little mice.

He saw a rat wearing his vestments and giving communion to a congregation of rats. He saw rats, piled one on top of another, driving his jeep around the Darkplace grounds.

He saw a rat taking confession.

Confused in his dream state, the Padre crept up on the rats. He crawled on his hands and knees and pressed his ear to the door of the confessional but he could not hear what the rats were saying. The Padre rat looked as concerned as a rat could look. The rat on the other side of the screen looked at once charismatic and dangerous.

What danger could come of an overgrown mouse? Sure, rats could chew through wires and lower the property values of a neighborhood but otherwise, they were too small and fuzzy to be of any real threat.

A man of God had no reason to be afraid of a little vermin. What harm could come from a rat that looked downright... snuggly?

The Padre woke from his dream, more like a nightmare, with a start. His bedclothes were soaked with sweat.

The Padre took a relaxing shower and contemplated his dream before deciding it was silly. How could anything be frightening when you had God _and_ Dagless on your side?

xxx

Dagless had patients to see and diseases to cure but he had someone he needed to speak to first.

Little Johnny's daddy was never going to leave the hospital. When he did leave, it would probably be either in a body bag or a coffin. Dagless wasn't sure of the procedure for getting rid of the corpses at Darkplace. Dagless had been the cause of many deaths at Darkplace (as he fought evil, not because he was a bad doctor) but he took no interest in the mortuary. The people down there were either dead or dead creepy.

Little Johnny's daddy had an incurable disease and was surely going to die soon. That was why it was so important that Dagless always makes time to spend with Johnny. Soon enough, Johnny would have no father figure and he was going to need Dagless more than ever.

Dagless couldn't be the father figure for every fatherless child in the world, or even just the kiddies in England. He could only be a father figure to twenty, maybe thirty kids at a time. Tops. Right now, he only had eighteen on his roster. He had a little extra time for Little Johnny this week.

Soon enough, it would be flu season and the hospital would be full of children needing someone to look up to. Mostly boys because you don't really want to hang around little girls. People might think you're some kind of weirdo and girls always want to play stupid, overly socially complicated games with dollies.

"Dr. Dagless, how do you find time to take care of all the patients at Darkplace and to come cheer me up all while maintaining an active social life? Have you the ability to bi-locate?" Johnny asked with wisdom beyond his years.

"No, Johnny, I don't have the ability to bi-locate, i.e., be in two places at once. I am just one man, an ordinary man. Well, not completely ordinary. I am rather extraordinary in many ways," Dagless explained, humbly.

"Oh, Dr. Dagless, you are so much more than one doctor. The standards you set and the example you offer touch the hearts of every doctor here. In a way, you are every doctor."

"I hadn't thought of it that way, Johnny. Sometimes it takes a small and ignorant child to point out the truth. From the mouths of babes. That's from the Bible."

"Dr. Dagless, you're so wise. So very wise and strong. You're the perfect father figure and anyone who tells you otherwise is jealous of your skill and possibly fostering a secret attraction to you that they continue to deny but why else would she spend so much time thinking about you?"

"Hey there, Sport! I don't need you worrying about my problems," Dagless teased, "You just worry about you and I'll worry about everyone else, including myself because, if I don't take care of myself - I can't take care of everyone else."

"That does make a lot of sense, Dr. Dagless," agreed Little Johnny.

"Being a good communicator of words is just one of the many skills that make me a damn good doctor," explained Dagless. He felt comfortable using the occasional swear word around the little nippers because he was a young soul and remembered what it was like to be young. He was also very authentic and did not care for pretense.

xxx

"Rats!"

Sanchez jumped at the word. He turned to see Liz had dropped her lunch tray.

Rats were very much on Sanchez's mind. Diabetic rats. Damned diabetic rats.

Sanchez was growing more frustrated by the day. He wasn't used to not getting his way. He was a typical, hot-blooded Latin and quick to anger. He was also a very intelligent man who had done very well at school. He wasn't at the top of his class like Dagless, but he did well.

Sanchez picked at his Salisbury steak and wondered why his brilliant medication wasn't working. By the time Liz joined him, with a new tray, Sanchez was in a proper snit.

"Look at the face on you, Sanchez," observed Liz, "If I hadn't just seen Dagless in the hallway, I would think your best friend had died."

"Don't even joke about Dagless being dead. Where would we be without him?"

They both shuddered at the idea. What would they do without Dagless?

They hoped to never find out.

"You're right, Dr. Sanchez," Liz apologized, "I was very thoughtless to say that. What I meant to say was, you look terribly unhappy. It seems you haven't shaved in a week."

It had only been a day since Sanchez shaved but ever since having devolved into a great ape and evolving back again, his hair grew faster than ever. He needed to shave twice a day. Sanchez didn't know it but Liz was having a similar problem.

"I shaved this morning. My hair just grows incredibly fast since the time I devolved into a great ape," Lucien explained, "I'm upset because my drug Diabetegone doesn't work! Damn those rats and their inability to regulate their blood sugar levels. I'm going to have to start from scratch, by gum, and I'm bloody angry about it."

Liz trembled at Sanchez's outburst. She still wasn't used to her colleague's Latin temper.

"You must calm yourself, Dr. Sanchez! I know your work to be impeccable so it seems unlikely you made an error. Nonetheless, I could take a look at your research. I'm very good at proof-reading. I used to proof read my boyfriend's medical school papers when I was in school. I read so many papers, I finally decided I might as well get my degree. Lucky thing I did or I would have never ended up at Darkplace and I wouldn't be able to help you now."

"Whatever happened to that boyfriend of yours?" asked Sanchez.

"He left me because I turned out to be smarter than him and he couldn't bear it. He was a terrible egotist. I'll never date another egomaniac again, that's for sure," explained Liz, "Now let me have a look at your work."


	8. Chapter 4

Dagless stood on the roof and looked out over Darkplace estate. It was a familiar landscape of desolation and terror. It felt like home. There was an ominous mist creeping over the horizon but by Dagless' estimation, it probably wouldn't arrive for a few weeks so he wasn't worried for the moment. The mist wouldn't be the next Darkplace affliction.

If it wouldn't be the mist, what would it be? There was always something brewing at Darkplace.

Something dark indeed, in this Darkplace.

It was brewing.

Something terrifying was brewing and soon they'd all be drinking terror tea.

Dagless decided to go to the cafeteria and get a cup of tea. He was suddenly thirsty.

xxx

Dagless happened to walk into the cafeteria as Sanchez and Liz were walking out, their heads together in conversation. From a distance, they could almost appear to be lovers.

"Hey, Sanch. Liz. Where are the two of you off to in such a hurry?"

"Hey, buddy! Good to see you."

Dagless and Sanchez embraced, not having seen one another in several hours.

"We're going to look over Sanchez's data and see if we can't solve the mystery of why Sanchez's Diabetegone doesn't work," Liz explained.

xxx

"Let's start by taking a good look at one of their pancreases," suggested Dagless as soon as they arrived at Sanchez's rat laboratory.

"Why's that?" asked Sanchez, a man not too proud to learn from his superiors.

"Because insulin is released into the body via the blood cells we find in the Islets of Langerhans in the pancreas," Dagless explained**.

"Of course, I'd nearly forget!" giggled Liz.

"One problem, Dag," warned Sanchez, tossing his mane of hair.

"What's that?" asked Dagless, knowing it was unlikely that Sanchez had thought of something he hadn't already considered but always willing to listen to an inferior.

"A rat's pancreas is teeny-tiny," Sanchez explained, "Even with a microscope, it's hard to get a good look. Besides, I get very confused because it's all switched around so if you want to push the slide up, you actually have to push it down. It's ridiculous! In this day and age of modern technology, I mean, am I wrong?"

Liz nodded in agreement but Dagless chuckled.

"What's so funny, Dag? Do know something the rest of us don't?" asked Sanchez, knowing that Dagless probably did know something that he and Liz did not. That was how things tended to go around Darkplace.

Rick Dagless pulled a small bottle from the pocket of his doctor's jacket.

"This," Dagless explained, holding up the bottle, "is a chemical compound formula that makes small things larger. We'll put this on the mouse pancreas and make it larger and easier for us to study."

Liz grabbed the bottle in excitement.

"This is amazing!" Liz exclaimed, "I can't believe no one has thought to create a chemical compound formula of this nature before. It seems like such a natural and necessary item to have. I can think of a million uses for this bottle."

"I can think of something I would like to make larger!" exclaimed Sanchez with a cheeky wink.

"And what's that?" Liz asked.

"This coffee!" Sanchez answered, "Because it's going to be a long night, examining mouse pancreas."

Dagless chuckled. That was just like Sanchez. Always thinking about the size of his cup.

Author's notes

** For a more thorough explanation about diabetes or just about any other topic in the world, I recommend a website called.  .org. I use it for all my research. The page about me is full of lies and errors but the medical stuff all sounds about right to me. I'll let you be the judge.

And I left my wife, she didn't leave me.

Snuggles watched as the humans took Jingle-Bell. The once proud beauty went meekly into the hand of the sweet-smelling, female human. There was a time when Snuggles would have grieved the loss of a friend and former lover but for Snuggles, the time for sadness was over.

It was time to get angry.

"One problem," piped up the small female human, "Won't it kill this rat if we make her pancreas enormous in comparison to the rest of her tiny body?"

The fiery one laughed, "Oh, Liz! You're such a girl. We're going to kill the rat, then take her pancreas and then enlargen the organ."

The female turned away in horror, holding the frail Jingle-Bell towards the fiery one, "Take her, I can't watch!"

Then from the shadows appeared a new human. He was roughly the same size as the fiery one and equally as attractive in appearance. Even from a distance, Snuggles could see the wisdom in this man's eyes.

"Sanchez is right, Liz," said the wise one as he put his hand on the female's shoulder, "This rat needs to die so that others may live. And eat Bounty Bars. Her life will not be in vain for she will have helped humanity."

"It's just a stupid rat! What's everyone getting so maudlin about?" Sanchez cried, his Latin blood boiling, "It's just some sad old rat that you'd beat to death with a shovel if you saw it in a barn. Sure, she was probably beautiful in her time, you can see the remnants of a good looking rat in her sorry current form but now she's old! She's... it says here she's four months old. Good God, she looks wretched. What God forsaken force turned this once vibrant rat into a sorry shell of her former self? For the love of medical science, let's just off this rat and get to work!"

With that, the fiery man plunged a syringe into Jingle-Bell and she was no more. Snuggles said a prayer to a rat God and began plotting his vengeance. He didn't have to think too hard or too long because his rat god apparently heard his rat prayers.


	9. Chapter 5

Sanchez used one more drop on the pancreas, "Is this good?"

Dagless nodded, "Yes, I think we have finally found the perfect size for the pancreas so that we can properly investigate the organ. Go ahead and put that bottle down."

Sanchez reached back and dropped the bottle on top of the rat cage, never taking his dark eyes off of the pancreas.

He didn't notice when the bottle fell over. Landing on it's side, the bottle was open and slowly began dripping fluid into the rats cage.

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

The powerful fluid dripped into the rat cage. Desperate for something to drink and fearful of the sugared water in his bowl, Snuggles held out his tongue and caught a drop. It tasted good.

Then he caught another drop. And another.

And another.

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

Soon the others, Blinky and Fluffy, were at his side. They held out their tiny pink tongues.

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

Each mouse drank his or her fill.

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

At first, Snuggles thought he was shrinking because Fluffy and Blinky seemed to be growing. Then he realized, he was growing, too. They doubled in size.

And then they doubled in size again.

And again.

The metal bars screeched as though screaming in pain as they bent and finally broke.

The three humans turned and screamed in horror.

"Oh, dear God!" Liz screamed, clinging to Dagless and Sanchez in horror.

The horror.

The screaming.

"By gum, those rats are as tall we are and getting bigger by the moment. I must have failed to notice the bottle tipping over and dripping the enlargening formula compound on the rats!" Sanchez cried.

"And based on the rate they're growing, I'd say they've probably ingested the fluid as well as having it applied topically," added Dagless.

"That would explain the rapidity with which they're growing," Liz exclaimed as she cowered in terror.

"We've got to get out of here!" Sanchez yelled, turning towards the door. Liz and Dagless followed suit. The three of them ran as fast as they could. Dagless' legs were like iron pistons moving powerfully down the hall. Sanchez followed behind, his shining locks flying behind him as he raced. Liz fell behind, tottering on her high heels and weighted down by her ample bosom. She just barely made it into the elevator before the doors closed.

Sanchez hit the button for the top floor.

"What on earth are we going to do?" wailed Sanchez, "Those rats were enormous! We don't have traps that large. I don't even know where we could order a rat trap that big. Who would carry that sort of item? I suppose we could call Tesco's..."

"We might have to find a way to kill them, other than using enormous rat traps," Dagless quickly pointed out, "Having grown so large, the rats brains have also become huge which means that they will be smarter than humans."

"That does make sense," concurred Liz, "With all that extra brain space, they'll be able to learn things very quickly."

"By that reasoning, these rats could take over this hospital," Sanchez said with enough fear in his voice to seem not terribly manly, "In fact, they could run the hospital better. We'll be lucky to get jobs as janitors when the super-genius rats take over!"

"That's not going to happen," Dagless said with a sure and steady voice, "Because I won't let it. Darkplace is more than my workplace, it's my mission. I have been called to this ungodly place for a reason: to fight evil. These rats may have the size advantage but they haven't experienced life like I have. I've known pain."

"Actually, Snuggles has seen a lot of pain in his five years. In fact, we just murdered his girlfriend, "said Sanchez. He had never noticed it before but, upon reflection, he could clearly see the resemblance in character and bearing between Dagless and Snuggles. They had both experienced pain and grown wiser for it.

"Rat pain, Sanch, he's experienced rat pain, but he's never experienced human pain. Rats are soulless, eating machines with disgusting tails that look like worms," Dagless explained, "Whereas I am a man. A man of learning and a man of action."

Sanchez caught Liz as she fainted. She tried to play it off like she was worked up about the rats but Dagless and Sanchez knew better. She had swooned at Dagless' speech. She had gone to medical school but she was still a big girl at heart.*

Publisher's Notes from Dean Learner

*I want to make it perfectly clear that this statement is in no way sexist or misogynist. I would never endorse something that I thought was degrading to women. In my long and varied career in pornography, I have always advocated for the respectful treatment of women. Every woman has the right to express herself as she chooses and some women choose to express themselves by having sex in front of a camera. They have no reason to be ashamed, they are provided a very needed service.

As for Liz swooning and being a "big girl", it is important that Garth created a character that real women can relate to; a woman who is intelligent and capable of great passion. She is very nearly as intelligent as her male co-workers and a looker to boot.

xxx

Snuggles looked around the laboratory. He had lived in the same room for all of his five years and yet it all seemed new.

Blinky moved to the microscope.

"Look, Snuggles," Blinky called out in her cheerful tone, "There are tiny living organisms on the piece of glass. They are invisible to the naked eye and yet I can see them through this magic seeing pole."

"That's not a seeing pole, it's a telescope and it isn't magic. It's science," Snuggles corrected.

"Oh, I see. I've been so foolish to think that everything around me is the result of some kind of magic or divine intervention. Now I understand the world is run my scientific principles. How very interesting," Blinky observed.

Fluffy joined Blinky, "Oh, Blinky, you should leave the science to the men. You need to worry about making babies."

"No, Fluffy," Snuggles spoke with conviction, "Blinky is just as capable of learning science as we. Though her brain is smaller, she can still be very smart in addition to having babies. Of course, she won't be able to help long with taking over the world but, between litters, she'll still be able to help lead."

"Thank you, Snuggles," Blinky said with emotion, "Thank you for believing in me."

"You know what?" Fluffy asked, "I understand what you're saying. My previous beliefs suddenly seem outdated and foolish. I'm sorry, Blinky. Perhaps I can make it up to you by taking you out for a meal?"

"Why on earth would we go out for a meal?" Blinky asked, "We can eat inside, where it's warm and we're sheltered from the elements."

"Oh, Blinky," laughed Snuggles, "You have so much to learn. Now let's find some more rats and use this formula compound to make them as large as us."

"One thing," Blinky said, wringing her hands, "I don't want to sound paranoid but maybe we shouldn't make them quite as big as us. They might try to overthrow our regime. Their vision of an rat utopia might not be the same as ours. It might not be as pure as the one we envision."

"I'm with Blinky on this," agreed Fluffy.

Snuggles shook his head sadly. Their society had yet to be formed and it was already falling apart because of a lack of trust.

On the other hand, some rats were jerks. Blinky and Fluffy had a point.


	10. Chapter 6

Dagless, Liz and Sanchez stood on the roof and tried to agree on a plan of action. None of them were surprised when Thornton Reed arrived on the scene. He was a very hands on administrator and whenever there was evil lurking at Darkplace, he was there with his trusty shot gun. He loved his hospital and he would never let it fall into the pit of hell. It made for a paperwork nightmare but as long as good prevailed, Reed knew he had done his job well.

"Hey, there. You may not have noticed but our hospital is being taken over by a small army of giant, super intelligent rats," Reed snapped, "And where are my best doctors? Having a little chat on the roof. Just what I wanted to see, I think not."

"Whoa, there, chief," intervened Sanchez, "We three are trying to come up with a plan to defeat these rats. Come join us."

"I apologize. I should never have doubted the three of you," Thornton said, his eyes becoming misty, "You are the three best damned doctors on my team and probably in most of England as well. I hope you have some good ideas because things are looking bleak. Mankind is about to be taken over by hyper-intelligent rats and I need to take 5,000 pounds out of the budget by Friday! I'll tell you, there is no rest for the wicked."

_Shakespeare_, thought Dagless.

"I think I might have the answer," Liz said, so excited she forgot that no one likes a girl who is too pleased with herself, "These rats are all diabetic, right?"

"For God's sake, Liz," wailed Sanchez, "We've been over that already They have diabetes!"

"Hey, now," warned Reed, "Cool your jets. You are speaking to a lady."

Sanchez looked into Liz's tearful eyes and apologized, "I'm sorry, Liz. It's my damnable Latin temper. I'm just feeling very frustrated that my diabetes medicine doesn't work and that I left the cap off the growing serum and the hospital and possibly the world is about to be taken over my giant rats. I'm feeling very irritable and a bit embarrassed at the moment."

"That's understandable," Dagless said, resting a manful hand on Sanchez's shoulder, "It's okay for a man to have and express feelings these days. We aren't Neanderthals."

"Hey," cried Sanchez, "I was a Neanderthal for a while and I was still a damned good doctor, if you remember, thank you very much."

Dagless, Sanchez and Reed shared a hearty laugh at the memory of when half the staff at Darkplace had devolved into ape-like creatures. The reminded Liz of how she had climbed on Reed's desk and hurled poo at them all and she cried from embarrassment. Liz could be such a big girl.

"Hey," said Dagless, "I think Liz was on to something a while ago. Of course, she is now a weeping mess and completely useless but I imagine we can piece together what she was thinking."

"Indeed," agreed Sanchez as Liz whimpered, "She mentioned the rats are all diabetic. How can that possibly be used that to our advantage?"

"I have an auntie who is diabetic. She's always sweating and fainting," offered Dagless, "These rats can't be skilled at managing their diabetes yet, they haven't had long enough to evolve and use insulin to regulate their blood sugar."

"That's true," Sanchez agreed, "I've had a lot of patients who are just ridiculous when it comes to their diabetes. I asked a lady yesterday, I asked her, 'Do you want to lose a toe?' I did, I asked her. I used those words because she was eating a cupcake in my office..."

"Yes, Sanchez," Dagless interrupted, "I know your work in diabetes is inspired by your personal experiences with diabetic idiots but you have to let that hatred go.*"

"But if you're going to eat a tub of ice cream, why not at least up your insulin for the night?" Sanchez continued, becoming more hysterical than Liz until Dagless had to slap him across his handsome face.**

"Sorry, Dag. My rage towards diabetics can be strange and disproportionate. While I was working at the diabetes clinic, I was also in an emasculating relationship with a very large and angry woman. She was beautiful but, god, was she angry. Perhaps those feelings of humiliation fueled my anger to poorly controlled diabetics."

"I'll have to write that in needlepoint on a decorative throw pillow," sneered Dagless, wanting nothing to do with all these namby-pamby feelings. Dagless only cared about one feeling. Pain. His pain.

"Hey you guys, quit your bickering," Thorton Reed yelled, "At this moment we have giant rats trying to take over the hospital and possibly the world and the two of you are engaging in a pissing contest. I won't have it. After you've saved the hospital, and the world I might add, we can get out the tape measure and find out whose the big man. I don't think either of you want to get into a dick measuring contest with me. You know what they say***."

"Reed is right," agreed a now calmer Liz, "I don't care for his metaphor, but you are bickering when you should be thinking of ways to stop these horrible rats from taking over the hospital."

Sanchez hung his head in shame, "I'm sorry, Dagless, let's work together. Buddy."

Dagless gave his friend a firm handshake, "We both know there is no point in the two of us competing. I always win."

"That you do, Buddy," Sanchez agreed, "That you do."

xxx

Publisher's notes from Dean Learner

*I asked Garth, several times, to change this line so this it doesn't imply all diabetics are idiots. Garth told me that, as a writer, he couldn't go back and change a word. Not even if it was spelled wrong.

**Garth wants it to be perfectly clear that Dagless can appreciate Sanchez as a handsome man without having homosexual feelings towards the man. Why wouldn't Dagless notice Sanchez is handsome? Todd River's has shiny hair like a pony and his eyes sear your soul. The most important thing to know is that Dagless is heterosexual but if he were to engage in a homosexual relationship with Sanchez, Dagless would always be "the man". That's not to say Sanchez would have to be "the woman" but Dagless would certainly, always be "the man" in the relationship. Anyone inspired to write fan fiction for this show should be sure to get this fact right or you will just be a sloppy writer, thank you.

*** It is a stereotype that black men have larger penises than white men, one that is not _entirely_ based on fact. I understand there are some black men out there who are not well endowed. I have never met one of these gentlemen but I would not be adverse to making the acquaintance of one and learning about his life experience.

xxx

Eventually the doctors realized that the rats would need to be put into diabetic comas. In order to do this, they found novelty over-sized syringes and filled them with sugar water. Through a series of events they were able to locate the rats. After a lengthy struggle, Sanchez and Liz are overpowered by the rats and taken hostage while only Dagless remained free to save them. Worried about his friends being killed by rats and the world being taken over by rats, Dagless went to visit the Padre.

xxx

Snuggles was beginning to have second thoughts about taking over the world and killing mankind.

"Surely, they can't all be evil. Perhaps we can live in peace," Snuggles suggested.

"What?" Blinky cried, "Humans are disgusting! They do their business in beautiful porcelain swimming pools that they call toilets. They are disgusting!"

"I guarantee that even the best humankind has to offer would beat us unconcious and put a bullet through our eyes as soon as speak to us," agreed Fluffy.

Snuggles shook his head sadly. His cohorts were so cynical.

Or were they wise?

xxx

Dagless and the Padre had been friends for years and yet, the Padre remained a riddle, wrapped in a mystery in an enigma.*

"I suppose you've heard?" Dagless asked.

The Padre's face was peaceful and his body language was relaxed as he lay on the ground, doing leg lifts along with Jane Fonda.

The Padre counted, "3, 2, and 1," before pausing the video and standing up.

"About the rats?" the Padre asked, "Yes, I've heard. I've been hearing confession for hours. A lot of people are afraid of dying with their souls un-cleansed and burning in hell for eternity. It was really bringing me down and I had to slip away. Get a little natural high from a good work-out."

"No need to explain yourself, Padre. I know you aren't just some pervy creep watching Jane jumping about and jiggling for cheap thrills," Dagless assured the man of the cross.

The Padre shifted and pulled at his white color, "Yeah. Yeah. I'm not interested in... jiggling? I'm sorry, what were you saying?"

"We were talking about the rats taking over the hospital and, one assumes, the world afterwards. I think I need the Big Man on my side for this one," Dagless explained, "For once, I don't think I can do this on my own."

The Padre nodded, "The Lord has probably had a time of it, till now, just having to sit back and watch you fighting evil on your own. He does like to help, you know. Have you read this poem about footprints?"

"Usually, the Big Man can save his help for other, less resourceful men but this time - I think I need a little extra help."

The Padre nodded thoughtfully.

"I think I have something that will help. A religious relic we store here at Darkplace. The Pope himself asked me to take it into my keeping to protect Darkplace. He said I would know when the time would arrive."

"How do you know it's time?" Dagless asked, hoping this religious relic was some kind of weapon, preferably a gun.

"He told me," The Padre's dark eyes were wide with amazement, "that Darkplace would be overrun with huge rats. I thought it was going to be a flood bringing river rats or maybe it would be some kind of metaphorical rat as in a business person of poor character.

"You would think that because those answers are far more likely than life sized rats engaging in a hostile takeover," Dagless said in a reassuring tone, "But you forgot one thing."

"What is that, Dagless?"

"_This_ is Darkplace. Anything can happen here."

*Churchill, Winston

xxx

It turned out what the Padre had to give Dagless was, in fact, a gun.

xxx


	11. Chapter 7

"Just hold still and try not to cry," Sanchez whispered in his deep and creamy voice.

Liz felt her heart racing in a way that had nothing to do with being the hostage of giant, genius rats. The sound of Sanchez's rich, manly timbre sent waves of excitement through her virginal body.

Liz did her best to hold still as Lucien used his skillful hands to set her alabaster body free. Liz moaned as the ropes brushed against her excited nipples. Right now, she was tied to a chair but once Sanchez had her free, she would be naked without the ropes covering her nubile body.

She dared not look at Lucien as he fought with the ties that bound her. He had been allowed to keep his small, black briefs. Briefs that he filled to capacity.

With his manhood, that is.

"Oh, how I wish Dagless was here," Liz whispered, huskily.

"Me to," Sanchez eagerly agreed.

xxx

Dagless took the first rat out with a roundhouse kick to the whiskers. A karate chop felled (knocked over) the second. Then Dagless found himself eye to eye with the most intelligent eyes he had ever seen - other than his own eyes looking back at him from a mirror or other reflective surface. He was a handsome rat, but a rat with a face that had seen pain.

"I presume you are the 'Dagless' of whom everybody speaks with such awe and adulation. You are the worthy opponent for whom I have waited. Once I have defeated you," announced the articulate rat (in whom Dagless saw a bit of himself), "I will be truly ready to take over the human race for you, Dagless, are the finest specimen that humankind has to offer. Once you are defeated, the world will fall. Let the battle begin."

The rat, that Dagless would later learn was called Snuggles, dropped into a fighting stance.

Dagless pulled out his holy gun and shot the rat between his sensitive eyes. His considerable amount of brains splashed on the wall behind him.

"Sorry, my never-to-be friend. I've got lives to save and yours isn't on of them. However, mine is and so are my friends'."

Dagless threw open the stockroom door and found Sanchez and Liz in a state of undress. Liz was wearing nothing but some carefully placed ropes.

"Sorry, guys, I was just here to rescue you. I didn't mean to catch you en flagrante (having sex). I'll be out here whenever you're done," Dagless apologized, reaching to close the door.

"No!" Sanchez and Liz yelled in unison.

"You got here just in time, Liz was about to throw a very girlie hissy fit because I was seeing all of her lady bits," Sanchez explained, "I told her, I'm a doctor. The nude female form no longer holds any appeal to me. I'm totally immune. Sometimes I have to make a lady put some clothes back on just so I can get in the mood, if you know what I mean."

Dagless was not indifferent to the female form and Liz seemed to know it. She was flushing but making very little effort to cover her enticing nude body. Her perky breasts called to him like pale, firm sirens.

"I've disposed of the rats with a little help from the big guy," Dagless explained.

"Well done, Dag. You've saved us all again. I guess I'll go have a chat with the Padre, have him thank God for me. I'll do it myself as well but I think he probably listens closer to the Padre," Sanchez said as he threw a lab coat over his nearly nude and chiseled body, "Take care of Liz, will you?"

"I think I can manage that," Dagless responded, his voice deep and highly sexual.

"Well, that's me off," said Sanchez, "See you guys next adventure."

xxx

Liz dropped the ropes that had tied her but she also, metaphorically, dropped the bonds that had (metaphorically) bound her body and she gave herself over to love.

Knowing the young and beautiful doctor was a virgin, Dagless took his time. He kissed her alabaster skin until her delicately scented mossy valley was full of dew (indicating sexual arousal).

Her tiny pink nipples puckered under his sensitive lips and she moaned, "Make me a woman, Dr. Dagless."

"I'll make you _my_ woman and you can call me Rick," Dagless explained as he continued to fondle her supple breasts.

"I want you inside of me, Dr. Rick," Liz pleaded, seemingly in pain from her desire to be filled by a real man.

Wanting to make her first time special, Dagless guided Liz to a small leather couch. As she moaned and cried his name, Dagless penetrated her unopened rose with his aching thorn. They did it lying down on the couch. Then he had her bend over the side of the couch so they could do it doggy style. Then they went back to doing it regular style until they both orgasmed.

"Oh, Dr. Rick. Is there nothing you can't do?" Liz asked, panting from their athletic and satisfying love making.

"I'm sure there is something I can't do," Dagless explained, "and if I look long and hard enough, I'll find what it is that I can't do."

"Speaking of long and hard..." Liz giggled.

"Oh, you," Dagless laughed before beginning to make love to Liz for a second time.


	12. Outro by Garth

Welcome

It's Garth Marenghi again. I hope you enjoyed reading this story as much I enjoyed writing it. I was so excited to return to the world of Darkplace that I wrote well over a thousand more words than I was contractually obligated to write. I think that says something about how much I enjoyed writing this story and about how much you, the reader, should have enjoyed reading it.

Now go enjoy another one of my stories.

Well, I say, "enjoy".

With humility, the one and the only,

Garth Marenghi


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